


out of my head

by LowInHighSchool



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Dissociation, M/M, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-10 08:13:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13498084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LowInHighSchool/pseuds/LowInHighSchool
Summary: "His was different though, whereas most people were perfectly aware of what they were doing, how deep they were going and so on, Granit had no clue. He’d often come round, staring at the inside of his arm, blood pooling beneath him. Dissociation, the psychiatrist had called it."





	1. Chapter 1

It was obvious Granit self harmed. Even if he hadn’t made that Instagram post one time explaining exactly what was going on, the scars and cuts on his arms gave it away. He’d stopped trying to hide them a while ago.

His was different though, whereas most people were perfectly aware of what they were doing, how deep they were going and so on, Granit had no clue. He’d often come round, staring at the inside of his arm, blood pooling beneath him. Dissociation, the psychiatrist had called it.

He’d explained that in the Instagram post too, how he had no control in the matter.

The first time it happened had been terrifying. One moment he’d been about to shave and the next there was a huge gash in his arm. He stared at it, trying to piece together what exactly had happened, what would make him injure himself like that. He just can’t think. Soon reality kicks back in and he knows he should really get to a hospital, from the steady flow of blood it looks like he’d caught a vein or something.

He’d grabbed the nearest thing, a towel, and pressed it to his arm. He knew he’d have to get someone to drive him there because he’d be too busy trying to stop the bleeding to drive himself. He eventually calls his brother. Taulant believes him when he says he didn’t do it on purpose as well, probably something to do with the fear in his eyes.

They believe him at the hospital as well and arrange to set him up with a therapist. They also give him some tips to minimise damage in the short term as well, hiding razors and knives and so on.

Granit’s just annoyed the cut is on his forearm, where everyone will be able to see it, he lives in long sleeves until it’s healed. 

But then it happens again, and again. In therapy he’s been taught to ground himself so sometimes he can take control in the middle of an episode which is something, and sometimes he’ll come round and there will be no damage done.

Even so, by the time he leaves Basel his arms are a mess. He’s stopped caring by that point, people would think what they wanted. He is kind of worried going to a new place though. Taulant tells him to tell someone straight away and he does.

Turns out change triggers it badly, there are 3 incidents in the first week. Thankfully they’re not as bad as it had been so mostly Granit can clean himself up. After it had happened a few times he’d bought in a whole load of hospital grade first aid stuff so he could avoid a trip to hospital for the more superficial wounds.

After a few years the incidents only happen once a month, maybe less. But then he’s moving again. And as expected, change triggers it once again.

The first incident happens before he’d had chance to tell anyone about it so he takes a gamble and calls Mesut who thankfully understands, and then swears when he sees the size of the cut.

Granit ends up telling the team during a drunken night out. He was wearing short sleeves and someone asked about the stitches and scars, so he told the truth. They seemed a little taken aback by his story but said he can go to them if it happened again.

Granit had started seeing a therapist in England as well, one of the best in the world at dealing with dissociative disorders and after a while he does have more control and the incidents are rare.

He’d started dating Olivier as well, he was glad the Frenchman hadn’t been put off by the incidents, or the monster, as Granit now came to call it.

He felt settled and he felt that had something to do with the incidents decreasing.

Until one night it happens again.

He had been feeling anxious about the match the next day but that was it, even so that normally wouldn’t trigger such a bad episode.

He had just gone to the kitchen to get a drink and next thing he knows he can see the inside of his arm, in several places.

“Shit” He says reaching for a teatowel. It’s bad, but even so he hopes he can just deal with it here, he really doesn’t want to be waiting around in a&e all night before a match. But after 15 minutes of constant pressure the bleeding still hasn’t stopped so he knows he better go. 

He covers the wound in a lot of gauze and bandages and calls Olivier.

“Hey” Olivier sounds so cheerful.

“The monster got me”

“Is it bad?”

“Yeah”

“How many?”

“3 wounds, I’ve been keeping pressure on it for 20 minutes now and it’s still bleeding” Granit explains.

“Yeah we need to go to hospital, wait there. I’m coming to get you”

“Thanks”

True to his word Olivier arrives 10 minutes later.

“How is it?” Olivier asks when Granit’s in the car.

“Alright, the blood’s starting to come through”

“Damn, what happened?”

“I don’t even know, I was just getting a drink”

“Poor baby”

“It hurts”

“it will do, don’t worry. They’ll sort you out”

Even so Granit feels embarrassed, he always does. But the staff are nice, they recognise him from when he’d been in before. They offer for him to see mental health but Granit doesn’t think there’s much of a point, he’ll be seeing his therapist in 2 days. So after the doctor stitches him up they can go.

“Want me to stay over tonight?” Olivier offers.

“Please”

“Sure, how are you feeling?”

“Alright”

“Good, does it hurt?”

“It’s still numb”

“Maybe that’s a good thing”

“Oh god everyone’s going to see tomorrow” Granit realises.

“It’s ok, they know what it is. It’s not your fault”

“Yeah, but still”

“I know, I wish the monster would leave you alone too”

“I was doing well for so long”

“I know you were, hopefully this is just a one off”

“Yeah”

They arrive back at Granit’s house soon after and decide to go straight to bed.


	2. Chapter 2

After the incident, Granit was feeling a little on edge as he always did after it happened but talking it out with his therapist helped and Olivier had barely left his side, and when he did a friend would take his place.

Olivier had also hidden all of the razors in Granit’s house so it would be harder for him to get to them. So far it seemed to be working well, a few weeks later and there have been no more incidents.

Until there is.

It happens when they’re in a hotel for an away match as well which was one of Granit’s biggest fears.

He’s just about to have a shower when it happens. The last thing he remembers is going to get undressed when suddenly there are cuts in his arm again. Normally he didn’t freak out but these were bad, very bad.

He really doesn’t want to ruin hotel property but he doesn’t see what else he can do so grabs the nearest towel and covers his arm with it. Thankfully most of the blood is in the sink which would make it easier to clean.

“Oli” He shouts, unlocking the door and pushing it open, but the bedroom seems deserted. The blood’s starting to come through the towel now as well. He walks out into the bedroom and looks, no one’s there. Olivier had been there a moment ago.

Seeing no other choice he opens the main door and walks down the corridor, wondering where to start looking.

“Oli” He shouts again. 

He tries to think logically about where his boyfriend would be, he remembers him saying something about needing to talk to Laurent, so probably there then. Thankfully he remembers which is Laurent’s room so he goes and knocks.

“Come on” He mutters, turning the towel around to cover the cuts with a fresh part of it.

“Hi” Laurent says opening the door, and then he sees the blood soaked towel “What happened?”

“Monster attack, is Oli there?”

“He’s right in here”

Laurent leads him through to the bedroom where Olivier is. Olivier takes one look at his boyfriend and gasps.

“It happened again” Granit says.

“How bad is it?”

“Quite bad”

And Olivier knows it must be bad for Granit to say that.

“Let’s see” Olivier says “And is there another towel?”

“I have one” Laurent says going off to the bathroom to find one.

Granit removes the towel and Olivier swears.

“Told you it was bad” Granit says.

“It is, we better go to hospital”

“We can’t, we have a match tomorrow”

“No, this is more important, they’ll understand”

“They will” Laurent says, handing him another towel which Granit promptly uses to cover the wounds.

“What if they make me stay in?” Granit asks.

“They won’t” Olivier says “We’ll explain, we can even call your therapist”

“Do we have to?”

“Yes, it looks like it goes down to the muscle”

“Ok”

“Did we bring first aid stuff?” Olivier asks.

“Don’t think so”

“I knew we forgot something, oh well. That’ll have to do. Let’s go”

“Good luck guys” Laurent says.

“Thanks”

They head downstairs and outside but it’s only then they realise their problem, they don’t know where the hospital is. They walk back inside and ask the receptionist who after a lot of panicking and insistence they should get an ambulance, calls a taxi for them. They thank her and wait outside.

“Does it hurt?” Olivier asks.

“A lot”

“No wonder, it looks bad”

“I think it was angry”

“So do I”

The taxi turns up 5 minutes later so they get in. Thankfully it’s only a 10 minute ride to the hospital. When they arrive, Olivier pays the driver and they get out and find a&e. They give in Granit’s name and go and sit. There are quite a few people in tonight.

“What time is it?” Granit asks.

“Just gone 9”

“Hopefully we won’t be here all night”

“We won’t be”

“I hope not”

Granit gets called in an hour later, Olivier goes in with him and they explain what happened. The nurse seems a little doubtful but says they won’t keep him in overnight.

And then it’s another 3 hour wait to see the doctor. They’re getting tired by the time he shows up. He looks shocked when he sees the extent of the wounds.

Granit needs 30 internal and 50 external stitches all together. He’s used to them by now, he just squeezes Olivier’s hand as the doctor sews him up and tries not to think about it.

As usual the doctor offers for him to see mental health but once again he declines, explaining he’ll be seeing his therapist soon. Thankfully they’re then allowed to go.

“Told you we wouldn’t be there all night” Olivier says.

“I’m glad”

“How does it feel?”

“Strange. Sore”

“No wonder, let’s get back anyway”

After asking at reception they discover there’s a taxi rank right around the corner. There are a few taxi’s in already so they get in and give the name of the hotel. By the time they get back they’re ready to sleep.

They get out and head upstairs to bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe oli left omg! like i'd heard about the deal with dortmund, arsenal, and chelsea but didn't think it would actually happen but then i wake up from a nap and bam! and debuch has gone too :'( wow...this transfer window has been weird man...
> 
> i mean, it's good we got auba i guess but it's a bit weird considering we signed laca in the summer...to me it just seems like we jumped at the chance to sign him without thinking whether we needed him or not...
> 
> anyways...
> 
> enjoy!!

And then Olivier’s leaving arsenal. 

Granit had heard the rumours but avoided the topic with his boyfriend. It wouldn’t happen. It was too complicated, something was bound to fall through.

But it does.

It’s Chelsea, so same city but still, it would be harder for them to see each other. Olivier lets Granit know before it’s official to avoid any nasty surprises. 

“Wow”

Granit just sits there with a look of shock on his face.

“I won’t be that far away” Olivier assures him.

“Can we make this work?”

“Definitely, we can see each other when we have days off. And we can call”

“It won’t be the same” Granit sighs.

Olivier pulls him into his arms.

“I know, but it’ll be ok” Olivier says.

“Yeah”

There’s silence for a while until Granit has a thought.

“What about the monster?” He wonders “It’s been angry recently”

“That was my worry too”

Olivier had rarely left Granit’s side since the incident at the hotel and that seemed to be working.

“Well we’ve hidden your razors” Olivier says.

“I found them the other day remember”

“Yeah. Therapy seems to be helping though”

“It does, but I don’t have another session until next week”

“I know. Well what about a friend. They could stay with you”

Granit thinks. He really doesn’t want to have to ask someone to do that. It was different with Olivier, they were dating so would be around each other most of the time even without the monster. But at the same time he knows that would be sensible, at least for the next week or so.

“Ok” He says.

“Sure, who?”

“Shkodran and Sead maybe?”

“Sure, I’ll text them”

“Thanks”

Olivier reaches for his phone and types out the texts. Granit was worrying now, change triggered it, and this was a big change so god knows what would happen.

“Sent” Olivier says “How about we go out tonight?”

“Sure”

 

Granit wanted to go help Olivier settle into his new house but they had training so he couldn’t. Shkodran and Sead had agreed to a plan and they’d worked it out where one of them would be with him most of the time, they’d even sleep over if he needed it. Granit felt bad although they didn’t seem to mind.

Even so. There are 2 incidents the following week.

The first one’s not too bad. Sead had gone upstairs to take a phonecall and Granit thought he’d be ok, he was relaxed. But before he knows what happening there’s a knife in his hand and a cut on his wrist. It’s not that deep, he’d definitely done worse. He just sighs and covers it with kitchen roll before cleaning the knife and going to find first aid stuff.

Sead freaks out when he sees it, he’d heard of the monster but not actually seen a cut yet.

“This is one of the better ones” Granit says.

He finds the first aid kit and sits on the bed.

“I can do it” Sead says.

“Thanks”

Sead covers the wound in gauze, sticks it with tape, and wraps a bandage around it.

“Thanks” Granit says “It’ll leave one hell of a scar”

“Do you mind? About the scars?”

“I’m used to them. I’d prefer it if they weren’t there but I don’t seem to get any choice in the matter”

“I’m sorry”

“It’s ok, it’ll probably stop one day”

 

The next time is worse, requiring a hospital visit.

Granit had only gone to the bathroom and once again was feeling fine. But before he knows it he’s in pain. He looks and there’s a gaping wound in his arm, two in fact. He looks and sees he’s managed to dismantle a disposable razor. He looks and there are cuts on his fingers as well.

“Fuck” He mutters, reaching for a towel to stop the bleeding.

“Are you alright in there? You’ve been a while” Shkodran asks from outside the bathroom.

“Monster got me”

“How bad is it?”

“Bad”

“Can I see?”

Granit opens the door.

“it’s not pretty” He warns before removing the towel.

“Shit” 

“Told you”

“We need to go to hospital”

Granit sighs “Yeah, I think we do”

“Come on, I’ll drive”

“Thanks. I thought it would help having you staying over”

“Me too. I’m sure we’ll work something out”

“Mmm”

They go downstairs and put their shoes on and head out to Shkodran’s car. On the way Granit’s phone starts ringing. It’s Olivier. They hadn’t had much time to see each other due to conflicting schedules but they’d call each night.

Granit explains what’s happened and Olivier says he’ll meet them at the hospital.

True to his word Olivier arrives just before Granit gets stitches.

“I’m surprised you still found room on your arms” He says.

“Me too, they’re mainly scar tissue now” Granit sighs “They’re completely ruined”

“No, don’t say that. They don’t look that bad”

Although Granit knows he’s only saying that to make him feel better.

Soon they’re allowed to go, although the doctor suggests calling his therapist and making an emergency appointment. They even stitch up the cut from the other day for him.

“Will you be ok tonight?” Olivier asks as they stand outside.

“We’ll be fine” Granit assures him.

“I’m going to stay over” Shkodran says.

Olivier thanks him and they all walk towards the car park.

“I’m off on Saturday” Olivier says “We could meet up?”

“Sure” Granit says “That’ll be good”

“Want me to come to you?”

“If you want”

“See you around 11?”

“Sounds good to me”

Olivier leans in to kiss Granit whilst Shkodran glances around.

“See you Saturday” Olivier says.

“See you”

“How are you feeling?” Shkodran asks when they’re in the car.

“Alright, annoyed mainly”

“Don’t be annoyed, it’s not your fault”

“I know”

“But maybe call your therapist tomorrow”

“I will”

“Good”

Shkodran doesn’t leave his side the whole night, he even sleeps in Granit’s room with him just in case the monster comes back. By morning there are no new incidents, Granit just hopes it stays that way.


	4. Chapter 4

A couple of weeks later and the cuts were now healing fine. At first there had been a slight infection but after a round of antibiotics it was all cleared up now. Granit’s arms didn’t half itch though.

His therapist had moved his appointments up to twice weekly, until the incidents calmed down a bit and she’d even let him stay longer if he needed it. She got him to recognise triggers and how he was feeling before it happened.

For once Granit feels like he’s making progress.

One day Shkodran’s round again and Granit can feel the monster coming. He doesn’t know how but he knows he’s coming and he needs to do something. He rushes downstairs to where Shkodran is.

“Monster’s coming” He says

“Ok, at least you know this time”

“What do we do?”

“I don’t know, I’ll keep an eye on you don’t worry”

“Thanks”

And then Granit blacks out. When he comes around he’s sitting on the couch and Shkodran’s holding his arms in place.

“What happened?” Granit asks.

“You shouted at me” Shkodran laughs.

“Sorry” Granit goes bright red.

“It’s fine, I know it wasn’t you”

“Did I hurt myself?”

“No, well, not much. You tried to scratch yourself but I stopped you after a few seconds”

“Thanks”

“No problem, how do you feel?”

“Hungry”

“Come on, let’s get some food”

 

Another couple of weeks later and there’s only been one more incident. It wasn’t that bad either, not even requiring hospital so Granit was feeling better. It seemed the monster was letting him breathe a little for now.

One day Olivier and Granit are out for a meal. It’s quite warm in the restaurant so Granit takes his jacket off. He gets a few weird glances but that’s it.

Until a man comes up to them.

“Freak” He says, laughing “Look at this freak here”

“Ignore him, he’s drunk” Olivier says.

Granit doesn’t even listen as the man goes on ranting about why exactly he was a freak. Thankfully a waiter comes along and escorts the man outside and checks if Granit’s ok.

“Are you alright?” Olivier asks after everything’s died down.

“I’m fine. I just ignored him”

“Good. You’re not a freak”

“Thanks”

“Are you finished anyway?”

“Yeah”

“Come on, let’s go”

“Sure”

Olivier pays and they head outside.

“It was a nice night” Granit says.

“Apart from him”

“Let’s not think about him”

“Good idea”

Olivier takes Granit’s hand and they walk down the street to his car.

“Will you be ok tonight?” Olivier asks as they’re driving.

“I’ll be fine”

“Sure?”

“I have been doing better recently”

“Good. I’m really glad”

Soon they arrive at Granit’s house, Granit kisses his boyfriend and gets out the car.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy!!
> 
> still can't believe Oli's left oh man :/ i also keep forgetting theo's left so i'll see pictures of him at everton and be really confused omg wait aren't we playing everton tomorrow? i think it's soon anyway...that'll be weird, we also better beat them because i live 10 minutes from liverpool and last time we lost against everton someone shouted the score at me in the street :'( and when liverpool finished top 4 and we didn't someone shouted "enjoy the europa league" at me. rude.

A few months later and things were going well. Sure there had been a few more incidents but that was just life and anyway, they hadn’t been that bad so Granit could live with it.

One Friday they have training again and Granit’s running late. He’d set an alarm but must have snoozed it without realising because the next thing he knows it’s 9:20 and he’s late. He glances at the clock in shock. The fact he’s late seems to get rid of the tiredness and he practically jumps out of bed and pulls the nearest clothes out of his wardrobe.

Later on he doesn’t know how it didn’t start bleeding there and then. 

He dresses in double quick time and thank god he’d straightened his hair last night. There’s no time for breakfast so he rushes downstairs and shoves his feet into the closest shoes, grabs his bag and jogs to the car.

In the car he takes a moment to catch his breath. He hadn’t taken that long getting ready so he wasn’t as late as he could be. He starts the car and sets off.

Thankfully the roads are fairly quiet at this time so apart from the red lights there are no issues and he arrives with 5 minutes to spare.

He parks up and grabs his bag out of the boot before rushing into the changing room where the rest of the squad are already changing.

“There you are” Shkodran says.

“Overslept” Granit explains.

“Fair”

It’s only as Granit’s changing he feels something warm running down his arm. He turns around and sees Shkodran looking at him in shock.

“What?” Granit’s confused.

“I think you’re bleeding”

Granit turns his arm around to look and sure enough he is.

“Oh” He says 

“Monster get you?”

“Not that I remember”

Granit quickly takes his top off and looks. As soon as he does the cut at the top of his arm starts gushing.

“Fuck” He says. His training top’s already ruined and he has a hoodie anyway so he uses the top to cover the wound.

“I’ll tell Wenger, see you in a minute” Sead says as most of the team head outside.

“Thanks”

“Here” Shkodran reappears carrying a first aid kit “Let’s see”

Granit’s nervous but removes the top. Thankfully the bleeding’s slowed a lot now, allowing Shkodran to cover it and wrap it up.

“Thanks” Granit says.

“No problem, we’ll keep an eye on it. If it doesn’t stop bleeding we’ll go to a&e”

“Sure”

Granit double checks the wound one last time before pulling his hoodie on. They put the first aid kit away before going to join their teammates.

All through the training session Granit’s paranoid about the cut still bleeding. He checks his arm every few minutes, even getting teammates to double check but by the end of the session, no blood’s come through.

“Let’s see it now” Shkodran says when they’re back in the changing room. Granit takes his hoodie off and starts unwrapping the bandage. He’s nervous but when he takes the gauze off the cuts fine, it’s stopped bleeding.

“Good”

“I’m surprised, it’s big”

“Me too, but I’m glad”

“So am I, maybe you should put some steri strips on it. Save it leaving a big scar”

“Good idea”

“Do you have any on you? I could do it for you”

“No, at home. It’s ok, Oli’s coming round anyway” Granit tells him.

“Sure, we should wrap it back up again for now”

They do that quickly and get changed.

“I’ll see you tomorrow” Granit says when he’s done.

“See you” Shkodran says.

“And thanks”

“No problem”

Granit grabs his bag and heads to his car. He was looking forward to seeing Olivier. They were going out for lunch at a nice café Olivier had found.

When he gets back Olivier’s car is already in the driveway. Granit had given him a key a while ago so he must be already inside. Sure enough he’s waiting in the living room.

“Hey” Granit says, walking over to him. Olivier stands up and kisses him deeply.

“I missed you” Olivier says when they break apart.

“I missed you too”

“How was training?”

“Good. Well sort of”

“What happened?”

“The monster got me”

“At training?” Olivier asks.

“No, it must’ve been last night. It started bleeding”

“Oh, was it bad?”

“Not too bad. It’s stopped bleeding eventually, Shkodran said to steri strip it though”

“Sounds like a good idea, I’ll get the kit”

“Thanks”

Olivier walks to the kitchen to get it and Granit looks through the post Olivier must’ve brought through, nothing interesting. Junk mail mostly so he throws them in the bin.

“Here” Olivier says “Let’s see it”

Granit takes his jacket off and rolls up his t shirt sleeve before removing the gauze and bandages.

“Yeah that’s not too bad” Olivier says “Not compared to some of the others anyway”

“Good, I ruined my training top though”

“Oh well, you have more”

“I do”

Olivier cleans it first with alcohol wipes before applying the steri strips. He was so used to bandaging his boyfriend up he was getting quite good at it now, any nurse would’ve been impressed. After, he covers it in gauze and bandages it up.

“Don’t get it wet, take them off in 5 days if it looks ok” Olivier tells him.

“Thanks”

“No problem, are you ready to go anyway?”

“Yeah I think so, let me grab my wallet”

“I’m paying”

“Sure?”

“Definitely”

“Thanks babe”

“No problem”

Olivier takes the first aid kit back to the kitchen before rejoining Granit.

“Let’s go” He says “I can drive as well”

“Thanks”

They walk outside to Olivier’s car.


	6. Chapter 6

The scars and cuts were a scary thing to see, Granit knew this. That was why as soon as a new player joined the club he’d tell them somehow, in fact he had a message saved on his phone he’d normally send.

Thankfully everyone so far had been understanding and Granit was grateful. 

He’d been meaning to tell Pierre but something was stopping him, he was waiting for the right moment but that hadn’t come up so far. 

After though he wishes he’d just sent the damn message. 

They’re in a hotel again, another away match and once again the monster strikes. Granit just sighs and goes to clean himself up. But after searching for the first aid stuff he can’t find it, he’s sure he remembered packing it. 

After another 5 minutes of searching and getting blood on the bed cover he decides to go and see if any of his teammates have anything.

He’s just left his room when he bumps into Pierre who takes one look at the blood stained toilet roll covering his arm and gasps.

“What happened?”

“Oh, I caught myself”

“There’s a lot of blood”

“Yeah there is, I was looking for first aid stuff”

“I can get you some from reception, let’s see it”

And Granit doesn’t know why he shows him.

“Holy shit” Granit can see the shock in Pierre’s eyes “You did this yourself?”

With the amount of scars on his arms Granit can’t deny it.

“Yeah kind of, it’s not as simple as that though. It’s hard to explain”

“You can explain later, we need to get it cleaned up, come on”

Pierre leads him down to reception and asks for a first aid kit. The cheerful receptionist happily gives them it without asking questions then they go upstairs to Pierre’s room. He cleans it and covers it, doing quite a good job Granit has to admit.

“There, we’ll keep an eye on it. It looks bad”

“It’s not bad compared to some of the others” And then Granit realises he maybe shouldn’t have said that without explaining. 

“Why do you do it?”

Pierre sits next to him on the bed.

“I don’t know I’m doing it” Granit says “Not at the time, I black out”

“Oh, that must be scary”

“I’m used to it now, it used to be terrifying. I see a therapist but it still happens, not often though”

“It must have happened a lot” Pierre says tracing over some of the scars.

“Yeah, it’s been going on for years”

“I’m sorry”

“It’s fine, it’ll probably stop one day. I hope so anyway”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Not really, there’s not much anyone can do really”

“Wow. I’m sorry Granit”

“It’s fine, honestly. We better be going to bed now anyway”

Pierre turns to look at the clock.

“We better had” He agrees.

“Night then, and thanks for helping”

“No problem, night”

Granit smiles and gets up to leave the room.


	7. Chapter 7

Most of the time Granit didn’t mind the scars, or even the monster. It was just a part of life to him. But sometimes, sometimes he did. Sometimes it kept him up late into the night wondering when the monster would strike next.

Sometimes he was fed up of the anticipation of it all and wanted to cut himself there and then in hopes of shutting the monster up. Olivier had been against that idea though so he hadn’t.

One day after a night of next to no sleep, he just snaps.

Olivier’s surprised to walk back into the living room to see his boyfriend in tears on his couch.

“Granit? What’s wrong?” He asks, putting the tea down and going to sit next to him.

“I’m fed up”

“What of?”

“Everything. The monster”

“I know you are. It’s scary, but I think you’re dealing with it well”

Granit just shakes his head and puts his head on Olivier’s shoulder. Olivier wraps his arms around him and lets him cry.

“Sorry” Granit says after calming down a few minutes later.

“It’s ok” Olivier says, and honestly he’d been expecting this for a while.

“It’s just frustrating, not knowing when it’s gonna happen, or how bad it’ll be”

“You shouldn’t think about it all the time, that’s gonna get you down. Just get on with it and if it happens it happens”

“Yeah, I know. I just worry. I couldn’t sleep last night”

“You should’ve called” Olivier tells him.

“You would’ve been asleep”

“Wake me up, I don’t mind”

“Thanks”

“How do you feel now?”

“Alright” Granit shifts in Olivier’s arms so he can look at him “I’m just worried one day it’ll go too far”

“That’s my worry too. But it hasn’t happened for a while, has it?”

“Few weeks”

“That’s something. And the last incident didn’t seem to be that bad”

“No”

“Good, maybe you should mention this to your therapist”

“I think so”

“I’ll remind you”

“Thanks”

“We should drink our tea before it goes cold”

Olivier kisses Granit's forehead before reaching for the tea.


End file.
